How Illiterate Are You?

I ain't illiterate, my parents were married by the justice of the peace - Jean Hagen, Singin' in the Rain

These are likely what kids or the semi-literate think the meaning of these words are when they first hear them. Just my guess, I haven’t been a kid or illiterate since last millenium, and purposely never had any, illiterate children that is.

Anarchist – someone who wants to be like Noah
Bigamy – playing two games at the same time
Cardiac – a small Cadillac pedal car for kids
Claustrophobia – Fear that Santa Claus will skip your house this year cuz you were bad
Climatologist – experts on climbing trees, poles, and ladders
Cosmology – study of professional makeup for stars
Curator – the guy in the museum who keeps bad art from making visitors sick
Deadline – a line that, if crossed, might get you killed
Dietician – an expert on dieting
Diversion – distracting someone with math
Dogma – the study of female dogs
Electrical engineer – someone who drives electric trains
Economist – an expert at saving money
Executor – the guy in prison who pulls the switch on the electric chair
Fantasy – when Fanta is your favorite soft drink
Flexology – studying how flexible people are
Fracture – a course in the math of tiny numbers
Gastronomy – the study of gas in the air
Gastronomist – the pilot of hot air balloons
Greenhouse effect – when all the plants go crazy growing all year and get real big
Holy ghost – what God sends to scare you if you have no ‘fear of God’
Hyperbole – a really big cereal bowl
Impale – someone’s telling you that they don’t feel so well
Infraction – something broken on the inside, like a rib
Jesuit – an expert on Jesus
Linguistics – the art of cooking Italian pasta
Mammals – animal mothers
Marathon – a bunch of the same tv show back-to-back, like a Star Trek or Twilight Zone marathon
Medium – the next stage after being a minor
Meteorologist – an expert on meteors, where to find them in the sky and after they hit the earth
Minuet – to eat something really fast
Numerology – the science of counting stuff
Nun – what they call women who give up everything for God: “got nun left”
Nutritionist – an expert on all types of nuts
Paradigm – a nickel short of a quarter
Pheromones – maybe the pharoah ain’t dead yet
Pianist – a word that kids shouldn’t say until they’re in college or the army
Pluresy – when you have more than one illness at once
Politics – the science of poles
Politician – the guys who put up and fix all the poles
Racist – someone who runs from foreigners
Radiologist – the guy who fixes radios
Rocker – someone who likes loud dance music
Sadist – someone who won’t be happy no matter what
Sailor – the people who make sails for sailboats
Sociology – the study of people talking and partying
Steeplechase – a horse race to the church, first rider to climb the steeple wins
Terminal illness – something you catch at an airport or train station
Theology – the study of guys named Theo
Topology – the study of the movements of spinning tops
Treasurer – someone who hunts for lost or buried treasure
Vice president – the person in charge of vice
Zero - the last row in the ballpark
Zoology – the science of running zoos and feeding animals at the right times

________________ (c) 2008, William L. Sinclair _______________

Word Misnomers for Funny Bones

These are all either misnamed or our perception has been faulty regarding what these really represent.

A peanut is not a nut, it’s a legume.
A panda is not a bear; it’s a relative of raccoons. Neither is a koala, which is a marsupial, like kangaroos.
There are no bald eagles, they simply have white feathers as adults, brown until then.
A firefly is not a fly, it’s a beetle.
A prairie dog is not a dog, it’s a rodent.
A lead pencil contains no lead, just wood and graphite, which resembles lead in color.
India ink is not from India, it’s from China and Egypt.
A Guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig, it’s a rodent from South America.
A shooting star is not a star, it’s a meteorite entering the earth’s atmosphere. Most burn up before reaching the ground, but all the earth’s platinum comes from meteors.
A Turkish bath is not Turkish, it’s Roman.
Mocha java is not a type of coffee, it’s any coffee shipped from the port of Mocha in Yemen; most of it is African.
A silkworm is not a worm, it’s a caterpillar.
A banana tree is not a tree, it’s an herb.
Mincemeat has no meat, it’s made of fruit.
A Mexican jumping bean is not a bean, it’s a seed with a larva inside.
Catgut is not from cats, it’s usually from sheep intestines.
Camel hair brushes are not from camels, they’re made from squirrel hair. However, red sable brushes are actually made from sable minks.
An English horn is not a horn, and it’s not from England, it’s an oboe from France. So why is it not simply called a French oboe?
A horned toad is not a toad, it’s a lizard.
A Douglas fir tree is not a fir, it’s a type of pine.
The funny bone is not a bone, it’s a nerve, the ulnar.

Myth-Information for Dinner
Chop suey is not a dish in China, it was invented in California by Chinese immigrants.

Pizza is not from Italy, it was invented in the United States. Italians invented tomato sauce because Europeans would not eat tomatoes, brought back from the new world, because they ate them raw like apples and they were a mess.

Hamburgers were invented in San Francisco which were preferred by sailors from Hamburg, Germany; they were eaten raw, which is also called Steak Tartar, so they can charge more.

Frankfurters were invented in the U.S. and named for sailors from Frankfurt, Germany; disputes abound over the original locale, New York City and San Francisco are the most likely cities.

Buffalo wings are not from the American bison, they originated in Buffalo, New York. (thanks, Judy!)

..and the pen is not mightier than the sword, it's lighter and easier to write with but too small for battle! This was probably said of Thomas Paine's pamphlet 'Common Sense' which sparked public interest in the American Revolution.

____________ (c) 2008, William L. Sinclair ____________