Saturday, January 5, 2008

Famously Funny Quotes

Anonymous is the most prolific writer in English

The poor became ‘needy’; the needy were elevated to ‘deprived’; and the deprived were promoted to ‘underprivilaged’. They still have no money, but they acquired a vocabulary. – William Lambdin

Patriotism is your conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it. – George Bernard Shaw

A refrigerator is a place where you store your leftovers until they’re old enough to throw out. – Al Boliska

Fashion is a form of ugliness so unbearable that we have to alter it every six months. – Oscar Wilde

Mother Nature is wise enough to give us twelve years to love our children before turning them into teenagers. – anonymous

The biggest mystery of life is how the idiot that married your daughter can be the father of the most gifted grandchildren in the world. – anonymous

Gossip – that which no one claims to like but everyone enjoys. – Joseph Conrad

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a poor memory. – Albert Schweitzer

Insurance is something you pay now so that when you’re dead you’ll have nothing to worry about. – Joseph Rosenbloom

City life is millions of people being lonesome together. – Henry David Thoreau

A leader is a man who has the ability to make other people do what they don’t want to do and like it. – Harry S. Truman

Money is the poor person’s credit card. – Marshall McLuhan

A neurotic is a person who builds castles in the air; a psychotic is the person who lives in them, and a psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent. – anonymous

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity. – Winston Churchill

Originality is the art of remembering what you heard and forgetting where you heard it. – Tommy Douglas

A pessimist is an optimist on the way home from the racetrack. – Red Smith

Love is the quest, marriage the conquest, divorce the inquest. – anonymous

Twenty-five is the proper age for a woman; if she is not proper by that age, she never will be. – Oscar Wilde

The U.S. is the only country where a housewife hires a woman to do her cleaning so she can do volunteer work at the day nursery where the cleaning woman leaves her child. – Bob Phillips

If man is not called upon in his employment to exert his understanding or exercise his invention in facing challenges, then he generally becomes just about as ignorant and stupid as it is possible for a human creature to become. – Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations (1776)

The Venus de Milo is the “goddess of disarmament”. – Robert Louis Levinson

We’re all in the gutter but some of us are looking up at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

If God had wanted us to use the metric system, he would have given us ten fingers and ten toes. - comedian George Wallace

The shortest poem in the world
Madam, I'm Adam - e.e. cummings ("The First Spoken Words")

The Wisdom of a Yogi
If you come to a fork in the road, take it. – Yogi Berra
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra
Nobody goes there any more cuz it’s always too crowded. – Yogi Berra

...and perhaps the greatest comeback in history:
Lady Astor: Sir, if you were my husband, I’d poison you.
Winston Churchill: Madame, if you were my wife, I’d let you.